The Four Myths of Forgiveness:
Why We Don't Forgive the Ones We Love the Most
by Talane Miedaner
If you want to heal your emotional life in one magical move, forgive. If you want to unleash more energy, creativity and joy -- drop your resentments like a heavy wool coat in summer and forgive. One client, Beth, 34, enjoys a highly successful career as a sales executive for a technology company. She works from home and loves her husband and three-year-old son. And yet happiness eludes her. Years ago, she felt deeply hurt when her father divorced her mother and married another woman. As a result, Beth has distanced herself from her dad.
Like Beth, most of us feel wronged in some way by people close to us. And most of us feel frustrated when it comes to forgiveness. We want to get this unpleasantness behind us, yet hang on to our grudges and gripes like a dog to its bone. We’ve bought into the four myths of forgiveness.
Myth #1: It’s not that important.
Why make a mountain out of a molehill? We toss the hurt into our bag of burdens, which compound faster than our IRAs, becoming heavier and heavier as we drag them through life. They drain our energy, infecting us as well as those around us with bitterness or resentment. Beth is modeling for her son a very cool, distant relationship with a parent. Is that what she wants later on with her child? Forgiveness is perhaps the most powerful practice we can embrace and the single greatest gift we can give ourselves. Beth has never spoken with her father about how hurt she felt when he left her mother and now every time she sees him, her unspoken anger and resentment bubble beneath a polite facade. Beth feels resigned to this way of life. The holidays are approaching and she’s dreading them. When we tell ourselves it’s not that important, we’re saying we’re not that important.
Myth #2: Let sleeping dogs lie.
The idea of revisiting some unpleasant incident from the past can feel so overwhelming, we’d rather ignore it. We procrastinate, insisting this isn’t the right time to forgive the person. Actually, there's never a good time not to forgive. My clients typically procrastinate so I gently remind them until they get to it. And they are never sorry they did. Their only complaint? "Why did it take me so long?" For years Beth felt that talking with her dad about her feelings would only make things worse so why bother? When she realized she had nothing to lose but her bitterness, she decided to go ahead and try talking. They met at a restaurant and Beth thanked him for taking the time and let him know that she wanted to clear the air for the sake of her son. She said that even if they didn't get along at least her son would have a grandfather.
Myth #3: Forgiving means condoning unacceptable or even evil beha vior.
This myth hooks a lot of us, especially the perfectionists. To get beyond this myth, keep your focus on yourself. Forgiveness has to do with you, not the other person or his behavior. You aren’t saying that their behavior is acceptable or condoning it in any way. In fact, you can say in one breath, “Your behavior was not acceptable. Don't let it happen again. I forgive you.” Forgiveness acknowledges human frailty. It helps if you realize that we are all doing the best we can at the time, given the circumstances and sometimes that just isn't good enough.
When Beth met with her father, she stated the facts of the situation from her point of view and gave her father time to tell his side of the story. He said, "I never wanted to lie to you, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing your love." He added that he very much wanted to be a grandpa, but hadn't felt welcome.
Myth #4: You can't forgive someone unless they apologize.
Often people wait and wait, hoping one day an apology will magically materialize so they can feel free of this troublesome loose end in life. In most cases, the offender doesn’t even realize she’s offended, so why would she think of apologizing? This myth would also mean we couldn’t forgive any of our not so dearly departed. Webster's dictionary defines forgiveness as “giving up resentment of or claim to requital for.” In other words, the action is all right here in me and does not depend on the other person. You can forgive someone regardless of what they have done in the past and you can even forgive someone who is already dead and long gone. Forgiveness is for you – so you can be free of the anger, hurt and resentment. It isn't for them or about them at all. That is the mistake most people make – if you think that by holding onto your anger and pain you are somehow punishing the offender you are gravely mistaken. The only person who loses is the person who can't forgive. You'd be amazed how often the offender doesn't even realize they did something offensive.
The real gift of forgiveness is that it’s an act complete in itself. You can do it no matter what the other person says or does. We can't control what others do. We can only control ourselves. Don’t put off one of the most important steps in your life. It’s not necessary to ask for an apology or amends, but you may feel better if you do. Make your request without any expectation as to how the other person should respond. Be prepared to forgive them even if they say, “I never did that.”
Beth’s dad was grateful for the opportunity to apologize. Suddenly Beth realized that all her father wanted was to love and protect her. Yes, he had made a big mistake, but so had s he. She had shut him out. She said, "I'm so sorry." Beth forgave her father; he forgave her. They hugged each other for the first time in 15 years.
Who do you most need to forgive? Begin today — make a list of everyone that you'd rather not bump into and write down exactly what they did that so terribly offended or hurt you. You may even be surprised that you can't even recall the specifics of the incident yourself! Then make a point of writing, calling or speaking to each person on the list in order to clear the air. Make sure it is a good time to speak to them and that they aren't distracted or busy. Speak in a neutral, calm tone of voice and stick to the facts. “You said or did x and I felt y.” Then you can ask for amends or an apology if appropriate. Whether or not they apologize you can say, “I forgive you” and you'll be free.
Congratulations!
Make a resolution to start the New Year with a free and happy heart a nd start forgiving your loved ones this holiday season. You will be glad you did it!
Talane Miedaner, founder of the online coaching site, www.LifeCoach.com, is the international bestselling author of Coach Yourself to Success. She works in person, by phone, and online, helping her international clientele find wealth, success and happiness by restructuring their lives to easily attract the opportunities they want.
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Talane Miedaner, MCC
Author of the international best seller, Coach Yourself to Success (McGraw-Hill, Jan 2000) and The Secret Laws of Attraction
Get free coaching tips at LifeCoach.com Copyright © 2010 by Talane LLC. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2010 by Talane LLC. All rights reserved.
Thursday 30 December 2010
Tuesday 28 December 2010
Don't Do It Yourself!
Talane’s Coaching Tip for the Week.
Don't Do It Yourself
My mother and father are big on do-it- yourself projects. I grew up eating my mom's home-grown canned veggies and home-made huckleberry jam. Mom sewed a lot of our clothes and cut our hair and dad did all the home improvements and fixed the cars. My dad's philosophy is that you can learn to do anything yourself and save the money on hiring incompetent help. By the age of 8 we were babysitting ourselves because our parents believed we were more sensible and competent than the irresponsible teenagers in the neighborhood.
As a result, I discovered the amazing power of hiring professionals rather late in life. It wasn't until I was twenty nine that I hired a house cleaner to come once a month to clean my tiny New York City apartment, which seemed the ultimate frivolity given it was only 500 square feet! But I loved coming home to a sparkling clean apartment and was soon hooked on hiring help. My next step was to hire a massage therapist and even my father would admit that you just can't massage your own back properly. Then I hired a professional image consultant who discarded my entire wardrobe and created a whole new look – very expensive initially, but I'm still wearing some of those great classic clothes years more than ten years later so an excellent investment in the long run.
Then, when I bought a tumbling down house in the Catskills, I had to hire help because I simply didn't have the skills required to rewire and re-plumb the place. But I still painted the entire place myself and glazed about 54 broken window panes with the help of my mother.
And people often ask me how I managed to write two books, renovate two houses and breastfeed two girls in a period of five years. This was thanks again to hiring help and also getting my own mother to help out for two months. You can get so much more accomplished if you focus your energy and time on your natural gifts (in my case, coaching, speaking and writing) and delegate as much as you possibly can to other professionals.
Perhaps because I know I could do it myself, if I really really wanted to, hiring help always feels like a real luxury, but in fact, it just makes sound economic sense. It doesn't always pay to learn how to do a job, buy the tools to do it properly when a professional can come in with years of experience, all the right tools and do an excellent job for you.
This holiday season, stop trying to do it all if you feel overwhelmed. Get in a cleaner to clean the house once a week, even if just to get you through the holidays in tact. Get a weekly massage to stay healthy and relieve holiday stress. And consider having your holiday dinner cooked by a local restaurant or going out to eat. If you love cooking for hordes of people, then carry on, but if not, why put yourself through all this stress?
Enjoy!
Warmest,
Talane
Talane Miedaner, MCC
Author of the international best seller, Coach Yourself to Success (McGraw-Hill, Jan 2000) and The Secret Laws of Attraction
Get free coaching tips at LifeCoach.com
Copyright © 2010 by Talane LLC. All rights reserved.
Don't Do It Yourself
My mother and father are big on do-it- yourself projects. I grew up eating my mom's home-grown canned veggies and home-made huckleberry jam. Mom sewed a lot of our clothes and cut our hair and dad did all the home improvements and fixed the cars. My dad's philosophy is that you can learn to do anything yourself and save the money on hiring incompetent help. By the age of 8 we were babysitting ourselves because our parents believed we were more sensible and competent than the irresponsible teenagers in the neighborhood.
As a result, I discovered the amazing power of hiring professionals rather late in life. It wasn't until I was twenty nine that I hired a house cleaner to come once a month to clean my tiny New York City apartment, which seemed the ultimate frivolity given it was only 500 square feet! But I loved coming home to a sparkling clean apartment and was soon hooked on hiring help. My next step was to hire a massage therapist and even my father would admit that you just can't massage your own back properly. Then I hired a professional image consultant who discarded my entire wardrobe and created a whole new look – very expensive initially, but I'm still wearing some of those great classic clothes years more than ten years later so an excellent investment in the long run.
Then, when I bought a tumbling down house in the Catskills, I had to hire help because I simply didn't have the skills required to rewire and re-plumb the place. But I still painted the entire place myself and glazed about 54 broken window panes with the help of my mother.
And people often ask me how I managed to write two books, renovate two houses and breastfeed two girls in a period of five years. This was thanks again to hiring help and also getting my own mother to help out for two months. You can get so much more accomplished if you focus your energy and time on your natural gifts (in my case, coaching, speaking and writing) and delegate as much as you possibly can to other professionals.
Perhaps because I know I could do it myself, if I really really wanted to, hiring help always feels like a real luxury, but in fact, it just makes sound economic sense. It doesn't always pay to learn how to do a job, buy the tools to do it properly when a professional can come in with years of experience, all the right tools and do an excellent job for you.
This holiday season, stop trying to do it all if you feel overwhelmed. Get in a cleaner to clean the house once a week, even if just to get you through the holidays in tact. Get a weekly massage to stay healthy and relieve holiday stress. And consider having your holiday dinner cooked by a local restaurant or going out to eat. If you love cooking for hordes of people, then carry on, but if not, why put yourself through all this stress?
Enjoy!
Warmest,
Talane
Talane Miedaner, MCC
Author of the international best seller, Coach Yourself to Success (McGraw-Hill, Jan 2000) and The Secret Laws of Attraction
Get free coaching tips at LifeCoach.com
Copyright © 2010 by Talane LLC. All rights reserved.
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